Marriage. 2 careers. How much to flex. Divorce?

 

https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/careersandeducation/i-moved-twice-for-my-spouse-s-career-then-we-got-divorced-here-s-what-the-experience-taught-me/ar-AA15HycZ?ocid=msedgntp&cvid=e520321adbde45fdefb57e8c38e12d83

This story obviously does not give the day-to-day,  living in a relationship and looking at it in hindsight are two different things. 

Things to ponder: 

What was discussed before the marriage and as "sacrifices" were being made? 

Were the two parties prioritizing the relationship? 

What was the "power" status in that marriage? What was the power dynamic based on? Meaning- was she socialized to follow her husband? Was she seen as "less" because of being a wife, making less or was her flexibility in appeasing her husband seen as a weakness by him? 

While she may have been socialized to follow her husband, he may view that as a weakness.

Any self-esteem issues on her part? 

Narcissism on his part?

There are many dynamics at play here. Yes, a prenup is an excellent idea. 

During the marriage, the goal of the marriage does supersede the individual goals of the partners. If you want the marriage to work, it has to be the priority. 

Cheating. Is it cheating? But are they separated? Legally married? But they should be happy? Consequences?

https://s2.dmcdn.net/v/USOr41ZZzg3Si1Vpj/x720

https://s2.dmcdn.net/v/USOr41ZZzg3Si1Vpj/x720

 So this month, we are bombarded all over the internet with the alleged affair between two co-anchors/co-workers on Good Morning America morning show. It's everywhere, so just turning the computer, I see and, well, read all about it. 

What I have learned is: both are legally married, the male has been described as a "serial cheater," and they have been taken off the air at this time.  

So that happened but what is more interesting is people's comments on social media. Many condone the affair as these people " are entitled to happiness." 

 I have heard that commentary for many years where people justify having an affair as their right to be happy. Sadly, that "happiness" does not last long since there are consequences to affairs that range from their kids developing emotional issues to divorce and living with guilt for a lifetime.

Now, let's think about something. How is an affair going to help your relationship?  Between the hormones making you crazy and having you think you "love this person" and the time, not to mention the money you are spending outside of your relationship, in fact, you are killing your relationship. Logic, but there is rarely any logic in an affair, would dictate that if there are issues, they need to be worked on. There has to be communication; there are therapists, clergy, friends, and others to reach out to. Oh, but friends. So many times, friends will be complicit in the affair because they have subscribed to the thought that " my friend is entitled to being happy." 

It doesn't appear to be cool to redirect people to their spouses and to work things out. People are encouraged to be bold, sexy, cool, and cheat. For many men having multiple women is a status thing. I heard  a man joke about men having "the girlfriend, the mistress, and the wife."  Women as toys and property, I guess. 

 Writing about this is not easy because it is controversial in that no one wants to be " uncool," and I am being totally "uncool" now by saying cheating helps no one. Perhaps I need to define cheating. Cheating is not only having sexual intercourse with a person you are not in a committed relationship with when in fact, you are also in a committed relationship with someone else. It can be email and text messages that you would hide or conceal from your partner. 

 Relationships are not easy, and nothing worthwhile in life will be easy. There will be ups and downs, and you have to work through that. If it comes to unbearable terms, then explore divorce and not cheating.  I have not discussed the effects of being cheated on or of parents cheating. I think that would make this blog entry too long, but children of parents who cheat can develop trust issues if not addressed properly. There is Betrayal Trauma, and cheating causes more pain than those few hours of alleged "happiness." 

When I hear stories of people cheating, I am concerned not only for the person cheated on but the children. Their trust and innocence are shattered. 

If you are telling your kids that you are divorcing or separating, please don't tell them, " mommy and daddy are divorcing because we don't love each other" that will make your child wonder when mommy and daddy will stop loving them. You can tell them that you and the other parent have problems, and can't get along, just don't say the love died.

As a society, let's try not to condone affairs; they will happen, and let's try to help these people instead of encouraging their self-destructive ways.  

Thanks for reading. Affairs hurt others and eventually hurt the person having an affair. Listen to those who share their problems and affairs, be brave to help them find another solution, and learn that an affair is not the best way. Too many people get hurt, including the person initiating the affair. 

What do we do with this? Are parents wrong for not letting their kids play outside?

 Missing 7-year-old North Texas girl found dead; FedEx driver arrested (msn.com)

This story was one of the ones that popped up when I opened my computer. As the story reads, the child was at home, a package was delivered, and the child disappeared. Her lifeless body was found later, and it was reported that she died within one hour of the package being delivered. 

There are no words to describe this, which is difficult to digest and accept. People should be free to be at home doing whatever they must or want to do. This includes children. I know that I have adolescent and young children clients that tell me they are not allowed to go for walks or ride their bikes without their parents, and their parents are either at work or doing chores so the children and teens stay home either doing homework, playing with their phones or on computer games. Those online computer games merit their own blog entry, as I have had clients who have had disturbing experiences online. 

I, again, will tell you that I do not have the answers. It's not FedEx's fault; how could they have known? I always say that background checks have their limits, as known offenders are known because they were caught at some point. You can almost argue that the most dangerous perpetrators have no record because they have not been caught.  The step-parent/parent is not at fault. Who worries that the delivery person will kidnap and kill your child? 

There seems to be a lot of discussion on mental health, but if we think about it, it's getting more difficult these days to remain mentally healthy. Covid has taught us that our friends with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder were on to something. We started following their lead with handwashing. We initially started getting more anxious and fearful of contracting COVID as we were afraid to die. We now live with plexiglass dividers everywhere,  the one's banks started using when they were robbed at gunpoint several decades ago. 

We are spending much energy keeping ourselves functioning in an uncertain COVID world with changes in how we deal with people and how we work. We are all learning to spend more time in isolation. In isolation, we have to deal with whatever demons we carry. In a pre-COVID world, we could run literally and figuratively from these demons but not during COVID. We have to deal with ourselves and our emotions. 

In this quest to keep ourselves emotionally and mentally healthy, we must balance the fact that people are doing bad things while also maintaining a healthy lifestyle where we are not isolated and hermetically sealed at home. 

We are social creatures, and we need community for survival. It takes time to get to know people and to trust them. In our current society, we think nothing about moving away for college, moving away for work, or moving away for retirement. Each time we move, we rip at our roots and are replanted somewhere else. With each move, it could be argued that you weaken the core of yourself and become less centered and less grounded. It used to be when we moved into a community, there were others there that had lived there for many years and had a history. In today's world, we move into a newly constructed development; everyone is new, and no one trusts anyone, especially those with children.  Maybe we can work at staying longer in one place, keeping lifelong friends, breaking up and divorcing less, and just build community. While building community is not a definite solution to this, there will be more connection, more trust, less isolation, and more help to reduce the stressors that are hurting us today.  Less fighting, more connection. Bad things will always happen, but we must maintain a healthy lifestyle, emotionally and physically.  We all need to go outside and take in the sun and breeze. We must find ways to feel safe and free while also being aware of our surroundings. We need to maintain a balance.