Marriage. 2 careers. How much to flex. Divorce?

 

https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/careersandeducation/i-moved-twice-for-my-spouse-s-career-then-we-got-divorced-here-s-what-the-experience-taught-me/ar-AA15HycZ?ocid=msedgntp&cvid=e520321adbde45fdefb57e8c38e12d83

This story obviously does not give the day-to-day,  living in a relationship and looking at it in hindsight are two different things. 

Things to ponder: 

What was discussed before the marriage and as "sacrifices" were being made? 

Were the two parties prioritizing the relationship? 

What was the "power" status in that marriage? What was the power dynamic based on? Meaning- was she socialized to follow her husband? Was she seen as "less" because of being a wife, making less or was her flexibility in appeasing her husband seen as a weakness by him? 

While she may have been socialized to follow her husband, he may view that as a weakness.

Any self-esteem issues on her part? 

Narcissism on his part?

There are many dynamics at play here. Yes, a prenup is an excellent idea. 

During the marriage, the goal of the marriage does supersede the individual goals of the partners. If you want the marriage to work, it has to be the priority. 

Cheating. Is it cheating? But are they separated? Legally married? But they should be happy? Consequences?

https://s2.dmcdn.net/v/USOr41ZZzg3Si1Vpj/x720

https://s2.dmcdn.net/v/USOr41ZZzg3Si1Vpj/x720

 So this month, we are bombarded all over the internet with the alleged affair between two co-anchors/co-workers on Good Morning America morning show. It's everywhere, so just turning the computer, I see and, well, read all about it. 

What I have learned is: both are legally married, the male has been described as a "serial cheater," and they have been taken off the air at this time.  

So that happened but what is more interesting is people's comments on social media. Many condone the affair as these people " are entitled to happiness." 

 I have heard that commentary for many years where people justify having an affair as their right to be happy. Sadly, that "happiness" does not last long since there are consequences to affairs that range from their kids developing emotional issues to divorce and living with guilt for a lifetime.

Now, let's think about something. How is an affair going to help your relationship?  Between the hormones making you crazy and having you think you "love this person" and the time, not to mention the money you are spending outside of your relationship, in fact, you are killing your relationship. Logic, but there is rarely any logic in an affair, would dictate that if there are issues, they need to be worked on. There has to be communication; there are therapists, clergy, friends, and others to reach out to. Oh, but friends. So many times, friends will be complicit in the affair because they have subscribed to the thought that " my friend is entitled to being happy." 

It doesn't appear to be cool to redirect people to their spouses and to work things out. People are encouraged to be bold, sexy, cool, and cheat. For many men having multiple women is a status thing. I heard  a man joke about men having "the girlfriend, the mistress, and the wife."  Women as toys and property, I guess. 

 Writing about this is not easy because it is controversial in that no one wants to be " uncool," and I am being totally "uncool" now by saying cheating helps no one. Perhaps I need to define cheating. Cheating is not only having sexual intercourse with a person you are not in a committed relationship with when in fact, you are also in a committed relationship with someone else. It can be email and text messages that you would hide or conceal from your partner. 

 Relationships are not easy, and nothing worthwhile in life will be easy. There will be ups and downs, and you have to work through that. If it comes to unbearable terms, then explore divorce and not cheating.  I have not discussed the effects of being cheated on or of parents cheating. I think that would make this blog entry too long, but children of parents who cheat can develop trust issues if not addressed properly. There is Betrayal Trauma, and cheating causes more pain than those few hours of alleged "happiness." 

When I hear stories of people cheating, I am concerned not only for the person cheated on but the children. Their trust and innocence are shattered. 

If you are telling your kids that you are divorcing or separating, please don't tell them, " mommy and daddy are divorcing because we don't love each other" that will make your child wonder when mommy and daddy will stop loving them. You can tell them that you and the other parent have problems, and can't get along, just don't say the love died.

As a society, let's try not to condone affairs; they will happen, and let's try to help these people instead of encouraging their self-destructive ways.  

Thanks for reading. Affairs hurt others and eventually hurt the person having an affair. Listen to those who share their problems and affairs, be brave to help them find another solution, and learn that an affair is not the best way. Too many people get hurt, including the person initiating the affair. 

What do we do with this? Are parents wrong for not letting their kids play outside?

 Missing 7-year-old North Texas girl found dead; FedEx driver arrested (msn.com)

This story was one of the ones that popped up when I opened my computer. As the story reads, the child was at home, a package was delivered, and the child disappeared. Her lifeless body was found later, and it was reported that she died within one hour of the package being delivered. 

There are no words to describe this, which is difficult to digest and accept. People should be free to be at home doing whatever they must or want to do. This includes children. I know that I have adolescent and young children clients that tell me they are not allowed to go for walks or ride their bikes without their parents, and their parents are either at work or doing chores so the children and teens stay home either doing homework, playing with their phones or on computer games. Those online computer games merit their own blog entry, as I have had clients who have had disturbing experiences online. 

I, again, will tell you that I do not have the answers. It's not FedEx's fault; how could they have known? I always say that background checks have their limits, as known offenders are known because they were caught at some point. You can almost argue that the most dangerous perpetrators have no record because they have not been caught.  The step-parent/parent is not at fault. Who worries that the delivery person will kidnap and kill your child? 

There seems to be a lot of discussion on mental health, but if we think about it, it's getting more difficult these days to remain mentally healthy. Covid has taught us that our friends with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder were on to something. We started following their lead with handwashing. We initially started getting more anxious and fearful of contracting COVID as we were afraid to die. We now live with plexiglass dividers everywhere,  the one's banks started using when they were robbed at gunpoint several decades ago. 

We are spending much energy keeping ourselves functioning in an uncertain COVID world with changes in how we deal with people and how we work. We are all learning to spend more time in isolation. In isolation, we have to deal with whatever demons we carry. In a pre-COVID world, we could run literally and figuratively from these demons but not during COVID. We have to deal with ourselves and our emotions. 

In this quest to keep ourselves emotionally and mentally healthy, we must balance the fact that people are doing bad things while also maintaining a healthy lifestyle where we are not isolated and hermetically sealed at home. 

We are social creatures, and we need community for survival. It takes time to get to know people and to trust them. In our current society, we think nothing about moving away for college, moving away for work, or moving away for retirement. Each time we move, we rip at our roots and are replanted somewhere else. With each move, it could be argued that you weaken the core of yourself and become less centered and less grounded. It used to be when we moved into a community, there were others there that had lived there for many years and had a history. In today's world, we move into a newly constructed development; everyone is new, and no one trusts anyone, especially those with children.  Maybe we can work at staying longer in one place, keeping lifelong friends, breaking up and divorcing less, and just build community. While building community is not a definite solution to this, there will be more connection, more trust, less isolation, and more help to reduce the stressors that are hurting us today.  Less fighting, more connection. Bad things will always happen, but we must maintain a healthy lifestyle, emotionally and physically.  We all need to go outside and take in the sun and breeze. We must find ways to feel safe and free while also being aware of our surroundings. We need to maintain a balance.

Are we accepting mass shootings as a new norm?

It is the morning before Thanksgiving, and I woke up to a New York Times alert of a mass shooting at a Walmart in Chesapeake, Virginia, at about 10:30pm last night.  It's Wednesday and Sunday I woke up to an alert that there was a mass shooting at Q Club in Colorado Springs, Colorado.  

Now, these community names sound pretty harmless, unlike the general public's perception of large urban areas. I am just saying I don't know the details of these communities, but these two locations succumbed to mass shootings. 

Saturday night is when friends and families get together to unwind, have a good time, and basically chill and relax after a week of school, work and responsibilities. People having harmless fun in the "land of the free" yet not being "free." 

Tuesday night, before Thanksgiving,  is a time to get the necessary items for Thanksgiving, which is Thursday. I, myself, was at the local grocery store in the morning, and the store was packed with people buying for Thanksgiving; also because most grocery stores aren't open on Thursday, and those that open will have lines at the checkout line that can go across the store. Yes, I have seen those lines, and they can give anyone a panic attack. 

Out at Walmart buying for Thanksgiving, tired from working all day with one more work day ahead, and someone comes in and shoots and kills you or your family and friends. This is not the first time this has happened. Is this the new norm? Back in May of this year, in Buffalo, a gunman entered a grocery store, and yes, another mass shooting. The victims were there to pick up a cake or food items for family get-togethers. Have you ever run into a grocery store to pick up a pastry for a friend? To celebrate an event? I have. I just did not expect to be killed doing that. Mass shootings have happened at job sites, schools, hospitals, traffic, subways, grocery stores, and everywhere. Do you feel safe?

It is unknown the thought process in the killer's mind last night, he is dead, and initial reports say he may have "taken his own life."  Club Q is called a hate crime because it was an LGBTQA  club, and there will be a slew of chargers. 

HATE . A disease that some people carry within them that motivates them to go and kill ( take the life away from another human).  

A society with hate is a sick society. It does not matter what their economy is like, how well they are perceived as doing, what the stock market is like, and please, is it really a "first world" when you can't go grocery shopping without fearing being murdered?

We live in a country where politicians comment about the size of each other's hands during a Presidential debate. There is more decorum at a high school debate competition, and there is better behavior at a high school student government meeting than at the United States Congress. 

There is pettiness and stubbornness. Government and legislation are being treated like athletic teams.

 There was a time in my lifetime when Conservatives and Liberals could work together for the country we all reside in. Perhaps I will be accused of being biased, but my observation is that Republicans are more focused on winning ( for their team, Team Republican) and are forgetting their real purpose. 

How long are we going to wake up to mass shootings? Hopefully, they will stop before we find ourselves in the wrong place and are shot and killed.  If you are reading this, think about it and what you can do. Are you willing to contact your legislators? Let's look beyond the idea of everyone carrying a gun. If one is shopping, one is focused and on task. The gunman has the upper hand because they have planned and are ready. Also, everyone shooting in an enclosed area will kill more people. Think about it. We have to focus beyond the idea of everyone carrying a gun. This means everyone is ready to kill. That is the core of this problem, killing. 

I think we need to explore where the hate is coming from. Is it social, financial, or psychiatric? Whatever it is, let's try and find out. Hatred is a disease that destroys the carrier and those around them. We can do better. We must do better. 

Women and Babies......

 https://www.msn.com/en-us/entertainment/entertainment-celebrity/a-decision-has-been-made-about-the-future-of-the-kelly-clarkson-show-more-news-icymi/ss-AA13ZJZ3?ocid=msedgntp&cvid=6ea93dac665d4d2f88e8f88ef775887a#image=3

https://www.msn.com/en-us/entertainment/entertai

nment-celebrity/a-decision-has-been-made-about-the-future-of-the-kelly-clarkson-show-more-news-icymi/ss-AA13ZJZ3?ocid=msedgntp&cvid=6ea93dac665d4d2f88e8f88ef775887a#image=3

Why ask why but I still ask why? Why are reports of Jennifer Anston's inability to get pregnant and her feelings about not having thought to freeze her eggs etc.? Why now, and do we care or need to know. 

Since I am a product of the national distrust in this country, I ask, is there an ulterior motive?  

As women, we are supposed to be sweet and nice and everything nice. We are supposed to be "happy domestic" women.  

Could it be that Jennifer is on the verge of busting out with a new movie or project, and making her vulnerable and sad about not having had children is a ploy to get her "liked better?" 

While I don't have the stats about women without children, it happens every day that women do not become mothers for various social and medical reasons. 

It is not our business why she did not have children, freeze her eggs, or use a surrogate. 

And if she did not want to have children or just never got pregnant, that does not minimize her skills and talent as an entertainer. 

We can like or dislike Jennifer as an entertainer by delving into her personal or reproductive life. 

  

Interesting priorities

 What are our cultural priorities? Do we care about others?  Is profit the primary motivator?

This morning on National Public Radio (NPR), I heard gas prices had decreased. However, insulin prices are high, and some American families must travel to Canada because they cannot afford insulin. As I hear this, I think about the Affordable Care Act (ACA) and the political opposition to the Act.

One of the goals of the ACA was to have everyone with health insurance coverage (Manchikanti et al., 2017). If everyone is covered and has access to health care, it suggests a healthier community and country. Is health not a right for human beings and animals even?

When gasoline prices increased, there was outrage. However, for healthcare, specifically insulin, there does not appear to be the same outrage. I wonder why? Is it we blame the victim? The person did something to cause their diabetes? Did the parents of children with diabetes do something wrong?

Did you know that in 1923 the patent for insulin was sold for $1.00? The patent owners wanted insulin to be available for everyone who needed it (The Soaring Cost of Insulin, n.d.) In today’s social-economic climate, the goal seems to be profit. Insulin prices are so high that  people with diabetes have to ration their insulin which ultimately affects their health and well-being (Huang, 2019).

Perhaps it is time for introspection. What do we want as Americans? As people? And for others in our society? Where is our empathy? If our brothers and sisters are strong, we are strong. Each one of us being healthy in mind and body makes a strong and healthy nation.

 Thank you for reading. 

 

References

Huang, B. (2019, November 14). Insulin rationing led to daughter’s death, lehigh valley woman says. high cost forces many diabetics to do the same. The Morning Call. https://www.mcall.com/health/mc-hea-insulin-rationing-poverty-20191114-2a5yaasyrbaute57t6dyo3leam-story.html

Manchikanti, L., MD, Helom, S., III, Benyamin, R. M., MD, & Hirsch, J. A., MD. (2017). A critical analysis of Obamacare: Affordable care or insurance for many and coverage for few. Pain Physician Journal, (20), 111–138. www.painphysicianjournal.com

The soaring cost of insulin. (n.d.). CBC. https://www.cbc.ca/radio/whitecoat/blog/the-soaring-cost-of-insulin-1.4995290#:~:text=In%201923%2C%20the%20patent%20for%20insulin%20was%20sold,the%20U.S.%20And%20that%20has%20implications%20for%20Canada.

 

 

I was thinking. I think we need the Oprah book club back.

 I was thinking. I think we need the Oprah book club back.

I hear from many people about their stress and how they feel that people do not care, are rude, and feel that humanity is not in a good place. Of course, we can blame COVID and other stressors, but the reality is that we can be living better and treating each other better. Common observation and complaint is the nastiness of the comments people make to each other and comments about “ cancel culture,” which means different things to different people. However, the reality is a lack of forgiveness and the sense that people make mistakes but are perhaps taught about the problem so they can learn and do better next time. Another controversial term is “woke.” One would think that “woke” means awake and enlightened, but that is used to downplay a progressive idea.

I think we need Oprah’s book club back. This thought came to me as I was working on a presentation.  My presentation is on the use of fiction to assist medical and mental health providers in learning, among other things, to understand their minority clients. In fiction, the protagonist has a voice, I feel it is non-threatening and enlightens the reader about the protagonist's culture and experience. It’s a way to make us more sensitive to other people who may look different or speak differently, but once those layers are removed, we are all the same and want the same things from life.

Oprah’s book club started before everyone was overfocused on their phones, videos, and reels. Books were for sale everywhere, and you could pick one up at the coffee shop or grocery store. Then, once a month, Oprah would discuss the book. Oprah’s books often had a theme, family, family dysfunction, and child abuse/neglect to name a few that stood out for me. Perhaps some will be offended by “woke,” but let us wake up. We are all imperfect humans trying to do the best we can, let us focus on helping and caring for each other.

Thank you for reading.