The Myth that Women Initiate Divorces

 Yes, I will call it a myth. Yes, women do start the divorce process, but the question is why.

This here is a stereotypical case. 

https://www.msn.com/en-us/entertainment/entertainment-celebrity/hugh-jackman-s-ex-deborra-lee-furness-files-for-divorce-after-27-years-of-marriage/ar-AA1FATM8?ocid=socialshare&pc=HCTS&cvid=469c9280b45d485eb13f7fecf0c9a01a&ei=42

If you scroll the social media, you will read vile and ugly comments from men about women. The comments are rooted in the apparent belief that women are gold-diggers and women mindlessly file for divorce.

However, if you read this link, you will see that the husband not only left, but he also went public with another partner. This is not uncommon and sometimes they move from the marital home into the "girlfriend's" home and tell the children the girlfriend's children are their new siblings. 

I say that in these cases what women do is clean the mess that men have created by creating a new "family" while legally married to someone else. Since women are the filers or the "cleaner uppers", their name is the first on the divorce papers so statistically they are the ones who start the divorce and are therefore villainized. However, they are not villains just "cleaner uppers" and appropriately dealing with the situation. 

 

More Politics?! Finding peace if you do not agree with current events.

A few days ago, was one year I blogged last. WOW! 

There is much going on in the United States now. There is much fighting/arguing/divisiveness which is never a great thing for any of us. 

I find that there are people somewhat criticizing others for not doing "anything" or "enough" while there are those at protests every weekend. I have come across people with a myriad of emotions and feeling hopeless. 

This entry is for those that wish they could do more and just can't find the time or energy. I want to remind everyone of a few things. 

Trauma reaction: 

Flight/fight/freeze

Some people are feeling traumatized. In a nation of immigrants there may be triggers from personal experience or even inter-generational l trauma. If you are frozen right now, work on healing yourself first. Please do not let others make you feel bad. 

Personality:

Introvert/Extrovert

We all cope differently. Some of us need to cocoon and find our space, others get energy from being among others. Each is OK. Heal thy self. 

At this time in history small steps are meaningful and in fact may be the needed mustard seed. 

Join in social media and sharing

Donating to ACLU and others

Driving a friend to a march

Cooking a meal for a friend or babysitting so a friend can go to a march

all these things are valuable. Take care of your emotional and physical needs. Understand that you are OK. 

Please cocoon if you must. Rest up. 

Hope this short note helps you. 

Politics, Health, Control and Caring?

 https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/nutrition/newsom-signs-bill-to-ban-popular-snacks-due-to-cancer-causing-chemicals/ss-BB1lRJvN?ocid=socialshare&pc=HCTS&cvid=22ee45b4acfb45d5e420246e0fcdf9b3&ei=14#image=3

So Governor Gavin plans to ban some snacks. Responses may range from calling him a kill joy commy pinko to a caring public official. Let's step aside from politics for a second, although " the personal is political" ( origin unknown) 

There is a rise of many illnesses, and new illnesses and diseases are added to the list frequently. The age to have your first colonoscopy is now 45 years from the original 50. New cases of colon cancer are seen in much younger folks. What is going on? 

Did you know that some ingredients or chemicals in our food are illegal outside the USA? I have been thinking for a long time that the citizenry of the USA needs to become more mindful of what is in our food. Children need to be taught nutrition. 

Did you know that nutrition is not a subject taught in school? Our food either fuels us or poisons us. 

Would you put bad gasoline in your gas-powered car? Not if you expected to go from point A to B. If we don't start reading labels and being more mindful of what we eat, we won't be getting from point A to B either. 

Also, it's not just about being something with a label, such as a vegan or vegetarian; it is about paying attention. Many vegan foods we buy to substitute for meat contain not just chemicals but are loaded with sodium, and that affects us, too. 

If you can't pronounce what is on the label, put it back. If, by description, it is sodium full, put it down. 

Did you know that one famous "sandwich" franchise was once found to have the same chemical used in yoga mats in their bread?  Subway: No more "yoga mat" chemical in our bread - CBS News

Take time to read and learn about food, how it comes to our tables, and how it is processed, and let's work on being healthy. 

The Epstein list ....................

 I wrote this elsewhere and wanted to share

In a sexualized society, women’s appearance is held as a commodity. Girls as young as eight begin feeling unhappy with their bodies. Women’s value is their sexuality and appearance. Women, indirectly and at times directly, are taught the value of the male gaze. Boys grow up to be men who use the learned value of women’s attractiveness as a prize or what is culturally called a trophy.

Sex trafficking has been downplayed and minimized since young, attractive women are thought of as entertainment for men, especially wealthy men.

I don’t think the men in Epstein’s list, while they participated in the abuse of women, truly understood or understand their role in sex trafficking. Some may have, but some may not have.

When you go to a strip club, you may be sponsoring sex trafficking, you hire an escort, you may be sponsoring sex trafficking. When you watch porn, you may be sponsoring sex trafficking.

I can imagine people debating the above, so I will dissect it.

Historically, women are raised and trained to be caregivers and to care what others think about them and care about others. Some to this day discuss " women's work," which consists of caring for children, husbands, inlaws and just about everyone. Even in workplaces, who plans the work gatherings, makes coffee, and sets up any kind of "hospitality"- women! But you knew that, right?

Women are expected to look a certain way as their value is in how they look, and thereby they can pair and partner themselves "better" while looking a certain way. Women historically have and do die and suffer to "look good".

Interestingly enough, women are paid less to begin with but are expected to take care of their looks. Scroll social media Reels and Tick Tock, and check out the manicures! The eyelashes! The girdle type apparatus, the shoes. I actually felt hip pain looking at the shoes someone was wearing in a picture. They were sitting down, but I wondered if they could even walk. The platforms alone! But I digress. Girls grow into women insecure about their looks based on observation of the culture we have created. So much time is spent on hair coloring, defrizzing, extending, getting lashes, getting long, bejeweled nails. One video I came across was a person actually demonstrating how to wipe themselves after a bowel movement. I am serious! I guess because when it comes to extra long, bejeweled nails, that is the first question asked.

Now, sex trafficking. How it starts.

So there already is an environment where women are expected to look a certain way, and when they do, they have value.

Men are socialized to be not only with "beautiful" women but many. Like the culture labels them, trophies. The jokes and memes are that when "an average-looking man" is with a "beautiful" woman, he must have money. Whereas "beauty" is the currency for women, hard cash is the currency for men. It's not necessarily easy for men, either, but that's another blog entry. Why do I use so many quotes? Because beauty is subjective and in the eye of the beholder.

I have mentioned before elsewhere that everyone wants to be cool and not make negative comments regarding porn or strip clubs; even cisgender, heterosexual couples go to strip clubs.

While I am not generalizing that strip clubs and porn are involved in sex trafficking, there are some that are. Young girls and some young men may be recruited through online games and other online activities. How? There are adults who pretend to be teens, befriend minors and eventually become their "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" meet up and eventually may be drugged, and the downward spiral begins. These predators are very good at what they do, and find the space to come into kids' lives. An argument with a parent leads to the predator beginning a narrative of how bad and unloving the parent is, and they, the predator, are the only ones there for them. This predator, after they have ingratiated themselves in the kid's life, may then proceed to have the child/teen work at strip clubs or work as an escort or prostitute and provide them (the predator) with the money earned. Porn also is a large industry these situations may lead to. Production of porn is low cost and online.

Once in that world, the child, teen, and eventual adult are controlled by the predator. Drugs play a role as they are provided drugs for initial control and then as a coping mechanism. Getting out of this is difficult, especially when it is a young victim, because their experiences and knowledge of the world are limited.

So that, in a nutshell, is why I say that if you watch porn, attend strip clubs, gentlemen's clubs, or hire an escort, you may be sponsoring sex trafficking and not knowing it. This may be the case for some on the Epstein list. In their mind, they were "just enjoying the company of women," but it may not have been consensual. What consenting adults do is one thing. Consent is the key. Consent is the key in any relationship. Consent, Consent. Minors can not consent, and women under the control of a trafficker can not consent. Also, remember that when there is a minor and an adult, the adult is responsible. Minors can not seduce adults!

Book Banning?! How it will further hurt our culture.

 Greetings from Florida, where books are being banned by the governor. Teachers may only have "preapproved books" in the classroom, and recently, a teacher was in trouble for showing students a Disney movie. Oh, yes, the governor is also fighting Mickey Mouse and Disney. Please Google that because I would need several pages of a book and not a blog to explain that one. 

If you follow this blog, you may have noticed a change. I am now Dr. Libia, and it just so happened that my research has been on using fiction, literature, and historical fiction in social work education. My doctorate is in social work, so I focused on social work education; however, the concept may be applied to any mental health profession and even to other professions that will work with patients or clients.  

The benefits of reading fiction are building empathy, critical thinking, and theory of mind. Let's just focus on empathy here. We live in a society where when we turn on the news or get alerts from news agencies, we see mass shootings at schools, malls, grocery stores, and just about anywhere where there are multitudes of people. Blame guns, the NRA, or whomever, but let's think this out. There are people out there who think nothing of walking into a place and shooting masses of people. I question their level of empathy. Something is not right. There is hatred, among other possible issues. 

Now, what did I learn in my research? I learned that there is increased blood flow to the brain when people are reading. There are differences between reading fiction vs nonfiction and reading fiction engages readers differently. Reading fiction is more social. Reading fiction increases empathy. So in a world that feels threatened by others that appear different from them, reading about others who may have a different sexual orientation, a different culture, or experience than us can help us build empathy for those people. Don't we need more empathy in this world? 

So I live in Florida and have to see how the hate culture is growing, and the masterminds of this hate are trying to present hate on a silver platter and attempting to fool everyone. As it is, the use of literature in social work education is common outside of the United States and limited in the United States. We need books, we need people to read, we don't need book banning. One can read something and choose to disagree with the author in an intelligent manner. It is painful to see book banning happening. That is truly unAmerican in my opinion. 

Adversity, illness, image, American life.....

 I came across this story as I turned on my computer. It seems controversial since I think every reader will have a different opinion. 

This news anchor has been working through cancer treatment, wearing a wig and false lashes. After nearly a year, she's taking it all off. (msn.com) 

Based on what I have been exposed to and heard from people, I think the following issues may come up. 

"We work through illness in the USA because we don't have a governmental safety net " 

"But female anchors have a certain aesthetic" 

" She should be at home resting" 

 My heart warmed at the fact that she was not fired, and Kudos to the station. This gave her an opportunity to keep her purpose and some sense of normalcy as she was getting treatment. I believe that as long as she can work, based on her health status, she should. 

It must have been difficult to remove her "safety" and "comfort" wig and lashes. She did it, and great for her. She has very short hair and is gray. She looks great and natural. I think it is wonderful that gray hair is now in style because it should be. We are all headed there, and we should celebrate the fact that we have those gray hairs. They symbolize a life lived and knowledge acquired. Most importantly, in her case, she has received treatment, as she says, for an "aggressive cancer that grew within a year"

Kuddos and " mad respect" to her, her colleagues, and the station. 

Please be kind to each other. We are all battling something even if we don't show it. 

Thank you for reading! 

Relationships. Not just the romantic ones.............

 As I wrote "relationships" as the title of my blog today, I realized it's Valentine's Day. So no matter how you feel about the day, whether it's a consumerism holiday or you are a romantic at heart and are creating a romantic experience with a significant other, today is the day to talk about relationships in general. 

For most people, when they hear "relationship," they think romantic and sexual. However, there are a few things I want to mention about relationships. One is the sexualization of relationships and the loss of natural, connecting relationships. 

Let's talk sex first and get that out of the way. It seems that our culture sexualizes all relationships. A case in point is " the work wife/husband," the "bromance." These terms sexualize all relationships and may potentially actually harm what can be necessary relationships as we humans are social creatures, and we need other people. With 40 percent of marriages ending in divorce and gray divorce ( which is divorces of people over the age of 50y) increasing, marriages are perhaps vulnerable, sensitive relationships that need to be nurtured and not threatened by the careless thinking of attaching " husband/and wife" to other relationships that are important but need to be called by what they are friendships. There is nothing wrong with friendships between men and women, but like all relationships, they need boundaries and are not "marriages," so let's not go there. Of course,  one reader may be challenging what I am saying. This is not meant for one person but as a collective societal issue that needs to be changed as a culture and is not for the person reading this and challenging me. Also, when I say "marriage," it's in the general term, and I include committed relationships, whether legally married or not. Let's not sexualize our friendships but nurture them as they are or should be, healthy relationships, transparent and not secretive. 

Other relationships are professional relationships. For example, the family doctor. That's dead! How long have you known your primary care doctor? It used to be that pediatricians saw generations of people. There was trust, and guess what? By having that experience, health care is technically better. If my doctor treated my family members, they would know my medical history and where to look as I age. But today, that is practically gone. Because of their insurance, I have known people who have had more than one doctor in a year. Not specialists but the "gatekeeper,"/ family / primary care doctors, as they are known in the industry, since they provide authorizations for specialists.  

In general, we are not kind to others, and we are not kind to ourselves. We have a disconnect. Most people's parents divorce and search for other relationships, and some go through multiple relationships, never really becoming vulnerable and secure. This results in intergenerational trauma, as when one person experiences this, their children do as well. This is replicated from one generation to the other as they did not learn how to have a healthy relationship from their parents.  

We throw the word LOVE out there, but we must start loving ourselves with our warts, wrinkles, and grays. Our love handles cuteness and greatness. If we can't accept and love ourselves, we can't give someone what we don't possess. 

Let's fight to keep our relationships, have friends, keep our wives and husbands, be kind, and don't do to others what we don't want to be done to us. Friends and coworkers are just that. They don't have to be called family or spouses. So keep it accurate, and as you make daily decisions, look at and appreciate the value of keeping long-term friendships, professional relationships, and all relationships.

Thank you for reading